THE ANGRY AND CONTENTIOUS WIFE (PROVERBS 21:29)

Marriage is a school from which no spouse ever graduates until death. This is because marriage as a divinely created institution is a lifelong contract between two persons-a man and a woman- who have agreed to live together as husband and wife till death do them part. Marriage is a two-some contract between a man and a woman. It is also a three-some covenant between the man, the woman and God the creator.

Of all human relationships, marriage is the most unique form which brings together two personalities from different social, spiritual, intellectual and emotional backgrounds. Psalm 139:14 says that man is fearfully and wonderfully created which means that there are no two persons that are exactly alike.

It takes much time to be able to learn and accommodate the other spouse’s likes and dislikes, tastes and preferences. It requires the grace of God, knowledge and wisdom to adjust and blend in with the differences for a harmonious coexistence. In marriage, there is always something new to learn and the marriage curriculum can never be exhausted. No one knows it all except God. For the spouses, the more they learn and can apply the better for the marriage.

This post focuses on Christian marriages and is directed at the angry and contentious wife (Proverbs 21:29) who makes unkind and derogatory remarks about her husband in the presence of neighbors, friends and relations. She tramples on her husband’s self-esteem at will and sets in motion an ugly chain of reactions which she may not be able to reverse later and may spell doom for the marriage. No reasonable husband can place any iota of trust in a contentious wife unlike the virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31:10-31.

A man’s self-esteem is his image, his pride and his idea of how the world sees him. It is a man’s sense of worth before others. It is his sense of respect which he enjoys from others. A wife who damages her husband’s self-esteem does incalculable damage which may cause the death of the marriage over time. Many husbands may not bother about what a wife says or does as long as their ego is not hurt. Many husbands (Christians and non-Christians) will not take it kindly with any woman who tramples on their self-esteem.

No man or husband is perfect as all men (including women) have faults and shortcomings. Many husbands have shortcomings in the social, marital, spiritual, intellectual and financial arena. How should a wife react to a husband’s failings in marriage? There are four ways that women adopt when reacting:

1) Some refuse to talk preferring to nurse a grudge against the husband. This can cause great pressure and distress later on. The husband is completely in the dark about the problem
2) Some become rude but without discussing the problem with the husband who does not know. This irritates him and he may draw wrong conclusions which may worsen the matter.
3) Some will deliberately hurt the husband via verbal attacks on his person with the intent to humiliate him before others. This method eventually will destroy the home and the marriage if not checked.
4) The wise wife will talk about the issues while taking care not to trample on her husband’s self-esteem. This is good communication strategy that enhances harmony and promotes peaceful coexistence in the marriage.

The unwise wife, who is the angry and contentious woman, tramples on her husband’s ego in the following ways:
-nagging and embarrassing him before others
-speaking to him roughly in the presence of his relations
-deliberately violating his instructions in order to spite him
-saying the truth but with the wrong approach as follows:
a) Choosing the wrong time to say it (when)
b) Choosing the wrong location to say it (where)
c) Choosing the wrong medium to say it (how)

The above characteristics of the angry and contentious woman/wife are a breach of biblical guidelines and instructions on relationship with others. The Bible expressly teaches Christians not to engage in the following sinful practices:
-destroying one another (Galatians 5:15)
-provoking one another (Galatians 5:26)
-slandering one another (James 4:11)
-grumbling against one another (James 5:9)

The above, known as the negative ‘one anothers’ create disunity and is evidence of the sinful nature that we are expected to do away with. The Bible teaches us to forbear with one another in the following ways:
-to honor one another (Romans 12:10)
-to love one another (Romans 13:8)
-to accept one another (Romans 15:7)
-to care for one another (1 Corinthians 12:25)
-to carry one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2)
-to bear with one another (Ephesians 4:2)
-to encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18)
-to pray for one another (James 5:16)
-to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21)
The above are the positive ‘one anothers’ which is evidence of the fruits of the Spirit expected of every Heaven bound Christian. Therefore, the wife is advised to take the following steps to address her husband’s shortcomings:

Communication
Never disobey a husband’s instructions because to do so is to hurt him. He will see it as a challenge and will want to assert his authority
Discuss issues with him with an attitude of politeness and humility. Discuss with him in the right mood i.e. when he is happy and in a private place.
Present your worries and opinions lovingly and carefully, using the right choice of words and taking care not to force your opinions on him.

Submission
If he refuses to see your point, submit to his view. If he finds out later that he is in the wrong and you are in the right, he will respect your opinion and begin to abide by it.
But if he refuses to see your point and you also refuse to submit, he will likely see it as an affront on his authority. Even when he knows that you are right, he may not consider your opinions because you were insubordinate.

Helpmeet
A wife is a helpmeet. It may not be possible to change a man when he has become a husband. The wife as a helpmeet is expected to complement her husband and protect his interests. Cover up his deficiencies, not exposing him to public ridicule. A true helpmeet will not be scouting for faults when she also has hers which Christ overlooked.

Love
Where there is no love or where love is thin, faults are thick. Before the marriage, love has eyes and can see but after the wedding, love becomes blind and cannot see faults. Marriage is adjustment and acceptance. Overlook his faults and focus more on his strengths and potentials. Love is a decision.You can love the unlovable even when it is not convenient.

Encourage him, respect him, stand by him, pray for him and counsel him. Be a dependable woman to him, not a ‘broadcaster’ of his weaknesses. Pray for the grace to be the woman behind his success. Pray to be a pillar behind him and not a caterpillar that destroys.

Ayodele Adegbulugbe
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