Thursday, January 28, 2016

The Sex Crisis

Post 70: The Sex Crisis

My view is that you have sex within marriage, good and enjoyable sex in the normal approved and authorized format. Don’t ask me which one is it. No sexual abuses, no sexual perversions such as oral sex (licking & sucking genitals) etc. are allowed. That is my own personal view.

You see, salt and sugar are sweet but the wise ants avoid the salt and pick the sugar. What is this telling us? It tells us that something can be sweet and safe while another can also be sweet but deadly.

Remember Adam & Eve? They had many sweet trees in the Garden to eat from and there was another sweet but forbidden tree. They ate of the sweet forbidden tree but it contained death and trouble befell them. Adam and Eve did not learn from the ants.

Another was King Solomon who was the wisest man that ever lived, who wrote much about strange women and did not apply his wisdom to his personal life. He married many strange women that eventually turned his heart against his God (1 Kings 11:1-9) and led to his fall.

So there are sweet, godly and decent sexual practices just as there are also sweet, ungodly and indecent sexual practices. They are all sweet like salt and sugar, but one is safe to consume, the other is deadly and should be avoided like the wise ants do. The choice is ours because God created us with freewill.

There is rampant sexual crisis in many homes across the world. Sex has beautiful credentials but despite its credentials, it is a major cause of marital discontent. In ”The Model Marriage”, Dag Heward Mills wrote that sex is a strong communication tool that can be used to assess the health of a marital union. He explains that where couples do not have regular sex, they cannot relate well and that a sex starved husband may gang up with others to trouble his wife.

Many years ago, someone told me that if you see a woman happy and lively in the morning bouncing all over, it means she has been having good sex. And if you come across a woman in the morning in a nasty mood, shouting and barking like a dog at everyone, it means she is sex starved. Only the women can confirm that but it tells that good sex enhances good communication.

One of the sex crises in marriage is the sexual disequilibrium…

In actual terms, the sexual wiring of a man and woman are totally different, miles apart. Generally, an average man has a higher sexual drive while an average woman has a lower sexual drive. The man is more conscious of sex than the average woman. The man wants more sex while the average woman wants less sex. Sex is a primary need to a man and a secondary need to an average woman.

The crisis here is that the man likes sex more and wants sex more often than the wife may be able to cope with. I call this crisis sexual disequilibrium where sexual desires vary and do not match.
In many homes having sexual disequilibrium, it is a serious problem. Many husbands end up having mistresses and concubines to bridge the gap. Many wives strive to meet the demands at the detriment of their health and emotions.

In this article, I am not teaching any wife to rebel against sex and the husband. In fact, I am addressing the men because the fault is largely theirs 90%. A wife must submit to have sex.

Where there is a sexual disequilibrium and problems arise, the usual solution is to tell the woman to give the man sex, more sex, more sex, morning, noon and night. I have read on this forum and other marriage forums where the only solution to sexual disequilibrium is asking the affected wife to continue giving more sex to satisfy the man, even beyond her energies. Is it to the detriment of her health or against her will in an exercise that is supposed to be of mutual benefit?

Well, I do not view it that way because where the wife continues to give more sex beyond her energies, against her will and to her detriment of her health and emotions, there will still be crisis where she is being emotionally bruised and is bottling her feelings which may explode someday. Having more sex may not indicate that all is well in the marriage. You get it? More sex does not necessarily translate to sexual and marital harmony.

Our cultural system views the wife as a sexual object whose existence in the home is to satisfy the sexual passions of her husband, whether or not she enjoys it, likes it or not. The Bible advises in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 that couples have unhindered sexual rapport except in some situations based on mutual understanding.

But the Bible also tells in Ephesians 5:25 that husbands should love their wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. How then should a husband demonstrate love to his wife? Is it the love that suddenly emerges whenever he has an urge for sex? Is it the love that is cast aside whenever sex comes up?

Love must be sacrificial. The love that the Bible preaches and teaches is a love that lays down its life for another (John 15:33). The object of love is always the other person. Therefore love focuses on the welfare of the other party. A husband who truly loves his wife will be considerate and show consideration in real practical terms. He will be willing and ready to give up his rights and privileges to ensure the comfort of his wife. This is the real love, not lip service.

Now where the wife has a lower sex drive and cannot meet the demands of her husband, there are solutions:

One, ask God to increase her sexual drive to the level of her husband’s. Jeremiah 32:27 says that there is nothing too hard for God to do. Also Luke 1:37 says the same thing. Now Ecclesiastes 7:14 asks who can make straight what the Lord has made crooked? Only the Lord can, no one else can. So husband and wife should take the matter to God to reconstruct the wife’s sexual desire to suit the husband’s.

Matthew 7:7 says we should ask and it will be given. And also Matthew 18:19 says ‘that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my father which is in heaven’

So husband and wife can agree and pray to God for increase or decrease in sexual desire as applicable because He created marriage and sex and He alone can perfect that which is imperfect (Psalm 138:8). It is not a strange request to ask.

Ayodele Adegbulugbe

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Post 69: Why Many Husbands Cheat in Marriage and Suggested Solutions (2)

4) Inherited Weaknesses

Every man on earth and women too has an inherited weakness. Many persons have anger and/or lust as their weaknesses. These weaknesses are destructive if not dealt with. Your weakness is capable of disgracing you or pulling you down some day if you do not deal with it. Moses expressed anger at the wrong time and in the wrong place and that was why he did not enter the Promised Land. Samson’s problem was sexual lust and that was what led to his fall and capture.

Men, who have lust as weakness that is unchecked, easily stray into adultery not minding whether they are receiving the best attention from their wives. You have to identify your own weakness or weaknesses and be mindful of them. You start dealing with them by having to pray unceasingly. They are not prayers you pray for a while and stop.

Never take your weaknesses for granted because the Devil will always tempt you from your areas of weakness. You can overcome your areas of weakness via deliverance prayers. The book, ‘How to Obtain Personal Deliverance’ by Dr.D.K.Olukoya is worthwhile.

If anger is your weakness, ensure you do not say a word when you are angry. Then walk away from situations and people that can make you angry. If lust is your weakness, try as best as possible to flee all appearance of temptation and avoid over familiarity with the opposite sex. 

And pray the relevant prayers without ceasing. Make a decision to stick to your wife alone and always pray for the grace and power to maintain that stand to the end. Not by our power or might but by the Spirit of the Lord (Zechariah 4:7).

Against anger, pray: 

Spirit of anger, loose your hold over my life in Jesus name.

For Lust: In the book, Lust-free Christian Living’ by Tope Oni, there are many practical and useful tips to overcoming lust.

Prayer: I bind the spirit of lust and immorality in me in Jesus name.

5) The Strange Woman:

The strange woman is a wolf on the prowl looking for husbands to search from careless wives who cannot keep their home front secure. They are looking for sexually loose and undiscerning husbands to take over and for marriages to destroy.

Before a strange woman can succeed, there must be a crack in the wall of the home or a loop in the life of the husband. Where husband and wife are not united and do not pray together, that home is easy target for a strange woman. Where the husband has weakness such as sexual lust taken for granted, he falls easy prey.

The battle against the strange woman is for the wife in the home to fight because she will be the major loser. Many homes and marriages have been destroyed by the strange woman. Woman, fight for your marriage. Arise and fight spiritually to save your home and marriage. 

You should arise and fight now in order to preserve the future of your children. Fight now else the strange woman forces you to enroll in the club of Ms. (Married but now single); the Divorcee club or the Single Parents club. Fight now so that a strange woman will not collect food from your mouth.

Fight now to secure your tomorrow and use the weapon of prayer to win your husband from the clutches of the strange woman. Do not just sit down and expect that a good marriage will just happen. Fight spiritually to make the good marriage of your desire to happen

The strange woman is often someone close to you and not far away. They do not carry labels on their forehead that identifies them. Some of them are agents of darkness from the pit of hell on a demonic assignment to destroy homes and marriages.


Lord Jesus, let the sexual desires and fantasies of my husband be toward me alone
I break every emotional attachment between my husband and the strange woman in Jesus name
I declare my husband’s emotions dead to the strange woman in Jesus name
Every secret moves by my husband towards extra marital affairs, be exposed in Jesus name
Oh Lord, let there be irreparable conflict between my husband and the strange women in his life in Jesus name.

The book titled “Woman, Fight for Your Marriage’ by Bimbo Odukoya is a book every woman should have.

Ayodele Adegbulugbe

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Post 68: Why Husbands Cheat in Marriage & Suggested Solutions (1)

Post 68: Why Many Husbands Cheat in Marriage & Suggested Solutions (1)

Cheating is a marital setting is referred to as having extra marital affairs.

If a marital setting is a one man, one wife arrangement, extra marital affairs is said to occur where one partner in the marriage seeks for sexual pleasure beyond his/her lawfully wedded spouse. 

But where a man is of a marital setting where under culture or religion he is permitted to have more than one wife, there can be no extramarital affairs or cheating occurring in that situation (my opinion).

Reasons Why Husbands Cheat

1    1)    Ancestral Curse/Polygamy Spirit: Many men whose fathers and forefathers were polygamists, who grew up in a polygamous setting are usually pursued by the spirit of polygamy which compels them to fall into polygamy.

This is how many men who started out in a One Man, One Wife Marriage ended up having second wives, mistresses and concubines because the polygamous spirit of their fathers’ house was in them all along. They are trailed by a curse which can be broken through deliverance prayers.

Solution: Decide and determine that you will not follow the polygamous footsteps of your father’s house. Then pray the following prayers:

a)     Every evil effect of my polygamous background on my marriage, be cancelled by the Blood of Jesus
b)    I jump out of my father in Jesus name. My father, jump out of me in Jesus name. (Demonstrate by jumping as you pray it).
c)     Every anti-marriage spell and curses working against my destiny break in the name of Jesus.
d)    I nullify every covenant of multiple marriages in Jesus name
e)     I break every curse of unstable marriage in Jesus name
f)      I bind the spirit of lust and immorality in me in Jesus name

2   2) Unbroken Soul Ties: 

   There is a spiritual element in sexual intercourse. When a man has sex with a woman, a soul tie is created in the spirit world between him and that sexual partner. For each sexual partner that a man or woman has sex with, either premarital or extramarital, a soul tie is automatically set up. Between husbands and wives, soul ties are formed.

Therefore, a man or woman can have as many soul ties as the number of sexual partners they had. Many men do not break these soul ties and is the reason why their minds drift to their Ex while being married to someone else.

Soul ties are real, and those formed through premarital and extramarital sexual intercourse can be destructive and adversely affect marriage but can be broken via prayers:
a)     Every soul tie in the past affecting my life and marriage be broken by the Blood of Jesus in Jesus name
b)    You the soul tie between me and (Name the sexual partner), be broken by the Blood of Jesus in Jesus name

3    3)    Wife’s Low Libido: Generally, women have lower sexual drive compared to men that have higher and more aggressive sexual drives, therefore more sex conscious than the woman. Men like sex and want it as often as possible. There are 4 types of women in marriage:

a)     The wife who is passionate about sex and wants it as much as possible
b)    The wife, who is domineering, less interested in sex and creates a roaster or time table for her husband to have sex.
c)     The wife, who is less interested in sex but believes that sex is for procreation only
d)    The wife, who is less interested in sex but believes that sex is dirty
A husband who marries a wife in category B to D is likely to have an unfulfilled sex life and likely to have extra marital affairs.

Solution: More than one solution exist but one of them lies in the hand of the wife to pray to God to increase her sexual libido to the level of her husband’s. God will certainly answer her prayer because nothing is too hard for Him to do (Jeremiah 32:27) (Luke 1:37).

Further, He says we should ask anything within His will and it will be done. Sex, sexual pleasure and marital stability are within God’s will for husbands and wives in marriage and He will surely do it if the wife is interested in higher libido and can pray for it (Ezekiel 36:37).

O God, increase my sexual libido to my husband’s level in Jesus name

To be concluded
Ayodele Adegbulugbe

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Do You Truly Love Your Spouse?

Post 67:

Do You Truly Love Your Spouse?

Marriage means different things to different people. Some are in marriage basically for love which is the bedrock and foundation of marriage. Others are in it on the basis of what they can derive from it, not what they can bring into it. For some, marriage is to be hooked to someone to fulfill societal expectations.

True love is essential to a lasting and successful marital union. True love for the spouse overlooks his errors and shortcomings. Anytime you find it difficult to overlook your spouse’s errors, it means something is wrong with the love equation (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

If you keep a mental black book or diary of the wrongs done to you by your spouse, citing dates, time and location of the offences, it is obvious that you do not truly love your spouse yet.

Where true love exists, you will not want the relationship to end. The absence of it is what makes a spouse to decide to part from the other; with whom a vow was made to live until death do them part. Where true love exists, divorce will never be considered as an option.

The measure of love that you have for your spouse is the measure of love available in you. Also the measure of love shown to your partner is the measure of love that you have for God. If you cannot love your spouse whom you see, how can you love God whom you do not see? (1 John 4:20)

Loving your spouse is not based on feelings or emotions, but based on a conscious decision to love him or her in all circumstances of life. Even when he or she is becoming unlovable, continue to shower love, care and affection. A love that seeks sexual pleasure outside the marriage because the spouse is unavailable or unyielding is not a true love or love never existed from inception.

The second greatest commandment says you should love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39). Charity begins at home, so loving your neighbors starts with your spouse. The one flesh bond overrides all the other bonds (Genesis 2:24)

 Marriages are built through understanding, perseverance and determination by the couple working in unity. You must determine to love your spouse and commit to the decision. When you commit to accept and love your spouse, you will be able to look beyond his/her weaknesses and focus on the potentials and strengths in him/her.
The God who created the marriage institution is also the God of Love. The love that He created for man to demonstrate is defined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. This is the benchmark that assesses the quality of love that we exhibit to our neighbors and spouses.

Do You Truly Love Your Spouse? 
If you do not, there is room for improvement.

Ayodele Adegbulugbe 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Does He Really Love His Wife? (3)

Post 66:
Does He Really Love His Wife? (3)

The craze for sex is the real reason why many men got married. Love is merely a secondary reason or presented as a front. An average woman marries more for love than for sex. The man likes to have much of sex in marriage but many end up abusing sex and abusing the woman. Many men take pride in their sexual prowess and how many rounds they can go as if there are trophies to be won.

Many women are naïve, who do not know their values or worth as women. Some do not know what constitutes an abuse. Even if they know, they are helpless being constrained by religious and cultural factors. Therefore, they suffer abuses in silence as there is no channel for redress. Many men abuse their wives in one form or the other and get away with it because marriage immunes them.

Very few bold women cry out and even then the society hardly believes a wife who complains of excessive sex because in many religions and cultures worldwide, marriage is seen as an automatic consent and perpetual license for sex. Many a Christian husband use the Scripture in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to impose their desires on their wives while closing their eyes to other related scriptures like Ephesians 5:25 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Where there is love, there must be consideration and self-control. The Bible teaches about moderation in appetites and passions. Temperance is one of the characteristics of the love that God expects of men in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Temperance is also a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. 

Temperance is self-control and a moderation in the indulgence of the appetites and passions – in food, work, pleasures and enjoyments etc. (Proverbs 23:1-3; 25:16) (1 Corinthians 9:25-27) (Romans 13:14).

There is nothing wrong if the couple by mutual consent agree to have sex on a daily basis so long as it is mutually satisfying and no abuses are perpetrated. Sex was created for pleasure and expression of love and is not to become an instrument of oppression that makes a wife uncomfortable and frustrated in marriage and be seeking dissolution of the marriage.

 At least 3 of the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 are lacking in the lives of the two husbands in Part 1 using sex to oppress their wives. Patience is lacking in them because the love side of passion is always patient. Unselfishness is lacking when a husband insists on satisfying his passion at the detriment of his wife. A reasonable husband should have a real concern for the means by which his wife should derive pleasure from the sexual act.
It takes patience on the part of a husband who normally requires no foreplay to get his wife to sexual readiness. A selfish husband has no regard for his wife’s pleasure and jumps on her. Temperance is lacking where a wife is exhausted and crying while the husband continues to pound her. In a normal temperate relationship, sex is mutually satisfying.

There are many factors to discuss relating to this topic but I am resting my pen here. What I have summarized about this subject in 3 posts is a word enough for a husband who has ears to hear. 

Mere profession of love is inadequate. There is always a price to pay in loving someone. Profession and practice must align for love to be sincere. Sincerity in love is one of the characteristics in the love that God set up for man in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Ayodele Adegbulugbe