TOPICS FOR DISCUSSION DURING COURTSHIP (1)

This article looks into some of the topics that should be discussed in a Christian courtship preparatory to laying a solid foundation for a successful marriage guided by biblical principles.

Many people across the world, Christians inclusive, have a distorted opinion about courtship which has a negative impact on marital stability. Any Christian courtship conducted outside biblical principles is sowing seeds for future marital distress.

In the context of this article, a Christian is described as a person who has surrendered the totality of his life to the leadership of the Lord Jesus Christ.

He has accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, and the Bible as final authority in all matters. He is determined to abide by all biblical instructions whether convenient or inconvenient.

A Christian courtship is the period that a Christian brother and sister with a view to marry based on conviction, start a relationship for the purpose of knowing and understanding themselves better.

The process of understanding each other comes by diligent study, discussions and careful observation. These days, many people including Christians enter into courtship in a careless manner without knowing how to conduct themselves in it to glorify God in it.

The wrong things many people do in Christian courtship either out of ignorance or outright disobedience to biblical authority include:

Having sexual intercourse which amounts to sin. Sex during courtship creates a false bond which makes one partner to be blind to the faults and weaknesses of the other.

Pecking, kissing, caressing and fondling each other (appearances of evil).

Meeting at odd hours in dark and lonely places, behind closed doors.

Inviting third parties to settle their misunderstanding.

Living together as live-in-lovers, cooking for the man and washing his clothes

Wearing the same type of clothing and addressing each other as 'wife' and 'husband'. The courtship is ,a fiance/fiancee affair and not yet a marriage.

Not having truthful discussions about past personal experiences (contrary to the biblical principle of nakedness)

Failing to discuss the necessary ingredients that lays a solid foundation for the marriage which is the future of the courtship

Planning elaborately for the wedding which is a one day ceremony while failing to plan for the marriage which is a lifetime affair.

In conclusion, a successful Christian courtship that will translate to a successful marriage which will stand the test of time and overcome the storms in marriage must be based on biblical guidelines (Matthew 7:24-27).

Ayodele Adegbulugbe
https://selar.co/l341

www.xtianrace.blogspot.com.ng

Lagos, Nigeria.
Phone:+2348035978352

TOPICS TO DISCUSS DURING A CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP (2)

Many Christian bachelors and spinsters are careless and foolish who spend their courtship on worthless activities then end up in marriage complaining of incompatibility later and filing papers for divorce.

The topics for discussion by partners in a Christian courtship include:

1) The Partners' Salvation Experiences

-the date and circumstances leading to conversion

-church involvement and work in the vineyard

-if Holy Ghost Baptism been received

-if water baptism by immersion been done

-sanctification experiences if any

-the partners' present stand in Christ

-are they still in the faith or backsliding

-do they accept the Bible as their final authority and willing to abide by it, etc.

2) The Partners' Christian beliefs:

- What are their beliefs about the tenets of the true Christian faith: Holy Spirit, Deity of Christ, Resurrection, Rapture, Heaven, Hell, Blood of Jesus, Holiness and Righteousness, Divine Healing, Gifts and fruits of the Spirit, Sanctification etc.?

-What are their beliefs about wearing clothing pertaining to the opposite sex(Deuteronomy 22:5), the covering of hair, use of jewels and wedding rings (Isaiah 3:16-24), use of candles and rosary, use of water and anointing oil, women leadership in the church, divorce, role of money, use of alcohol, prosperity (1 Timothy 6:5), use of wigs and cosmetics etc.?

3) Past Sexual Life:

-What are their beliefs about sex? Are they willing to abide by biblical perspectives concerning sex especially 1 Corinthians 7: 1-5?

-Have they had sex in the past before or after conversion?

-Were there any pregnancies, abortions or children born in the past?

-What is the status of the past relationships? Have they been broken?

-Did they contact any sexual transmitted diseases and have they been cured?

4) Planning the Wedding:

-What is the type of wedding to hold: church, registry or traditional wedding or all three?

- What is the proposed date of the wedding?

-Will it be an elaborate or a low key wedding?

- How will the wedding be financed?

-Where to go for pre-marital counseling?

5) Planning the Marriage:

-What are the partners' views concerning joint accounts?

-What are the partners' opinions about the level of relationship with the extended family?

-How many children to have and the spacing?

-How to resolve disputes during marriage

-How to set up a family altar in the marriage, for regular prayers and bible study

6) Personals:

-hobbies and other interests

-visions for the future and how to accomplish them

- blood group and genotype

-health history (any periodic or terminal diseases in the family)

-any weaknesses, fears and phobia

In conclusion, it can be seen that marriage is work and responsibility and not to be treated with levity. The partners in courtship must endeavor to avoid pursuing shadows while leaving out the real substance.

Courtship is facing reality, not fantasizing as many do to their peril. To pursue shadows in courtship is to sow seeds for future distress and regret.

To be updated.

Ayodele Adegbulugbe.
www.xtianrace.blogspot.com.ng.
Lagos Nigeria
Phone:+2348035978352

HOW MONEY AFFECTS YOUR MARRIAGE

The availability of money is very important in marriage because it provides the necessities and the essentials of life. Money provides for those things that give comfort.
As important as money is however, it is one of the most common causes of conflict in marriage and divorce. There are many attitudes or habits with money that can make or mar a relationship.
These include:

Lack of Transparency:

The lack of openness, between couples in financial matters breeds suspicion and ill-feelings. Couples in marriage are expected to be naked before each other and the nakedness implies that a partner should reveal to the other every detail of his finances. A partner should make known to the other the full details of his pay packet, assets, liabilities and obligations, wants, needs and plans.
Openness builds trust and promotes friendship and intimacy. It amounts to selfishness and self-centeredness when a partner is secretive in financial matters.
The way forward is for the couple to talk about their finances, hiding nothing from each other.

Lack of Adequate Provision:

It is the duty of the man/husband to provide for the needs of the family. The failure to fulfill this essential responsibility will cause disaffection and trouble in the home. Among the many factors that make a man a real man is his ability to meet the financial needs of the family in terms of feeding, shelter, education, health etc.

Inadequate Attention to the spouse:

Indiscriminate pursuit of money to meet family financial obligations can disconnect a husband (the usual bread winner) from his wife. The wife needs the money but also needs the man as well. So it is not enough to provide her financial needs while neglecting her emotional needs.
Purchasing items that are not really needed, buying on impulse, living above one’s income, trying to live like the Jones, often leads to debts and bankruptcy which will do more harm than good to the marriage.

Dependent Attitude:
This occurs where a partner sees the other as his/her source of supply or provision, depending wholly on him for sustenance and not doing anything productive to support.
Wives, especially the housewives or sit-at-home mums should endeavor to engage themselves in some productive activity, no matter how little, to be able to have a financial means and to be in a position to contribute, when necessary to do so.

From the above, it can be seen that marriage is a relationship that must be worked upon through definite and conscious efforts if the couple want a successful marriage. Good marriages do not just happen.

 Ayodele Adegbulugbe
www.relationship4growth.blogspot.com  
 Lagos, Nigeria
2348035978352

39 FOOLISH THINGS COUPLES DO IN MARRIAGE

Marriage is for matured minds and there are lots of wrong steps and decisions which couples take and adopt towards each other. Maturity is not a function of age only. It goes beyond age.

Thirty nine of the foolish things that couples do in marriage which hastens the breakdown of the relationship are as follows:

- Malice
-Rejecting food because you are angry with your wife
-Abusing each other
-Reporting each other to third parties
-Sexual denial
-Hatred and loveless
-Failure to provide for the family
-Nagging and murmuring
-Night crawling
-Failure to apologize when wrong
-Failure to pray with your spouse
-Failure to forgive your spouse
-Embarrassing your spouse openly
-Comparing your spouse with others
-Loving your siblings and parents more than your spouse
-Failing to go for counseling when the marriage is in trouble
-Failing to stay committed to your marriage
-Thinking about or considering divorce as an option
-Keeping things secret from your spouse
-Threatening to separate from, or divorce your spouse
-Shouting or raising your voice during discussions
-Arguments which no one is ready to lose
-Taking credit for any good thing and not giving any to your spouse
-Selfishness and self-centredness
-Allowing friends and family to direct the affairs of your home
-Not accepting blame for a mistake
-Laziness and failure to work
-Competing with spouse at home
-Talking about your 'ex' boyfriend or girlfriend often
-Unfriendly and uncaring attitude
-Wife battery
-Stinginess, loving to receive and not willing to give
-Drunkenness
-Treating your spouse without respect
-Failure to communicate and discuss issues as they arise
-Wasteful spending
-Allowing anger, bitterness and resentment to dominate your life
-Often referring to old hurts
-Taking vengeance of every offense
-Refusing reconciliation

If you are guilty of one or more of the above traits of immaturity in marriage, then you need to work on yourself.

Ayodele Adegbulugbe
Lagos,Nigeria

THE ANGRY AND CONTENTIOUS WIFE (PROVERBS 21:29)

Marriage is a school from which no spouse ever graduates until death. This is because marriage as a divinely created institution is a lifelong contract between two persons-a man and a woman- who have agreed to live together as husband and wife till death do them part. Marriage is a two-some contract between a man and a woman. It is also a three-some covenant between the man, the woman and God the creator.

Of all human relationships, marriage is the most unique form which brings together two personalities from different social, spiritual, intellectual and emotional backgrounds. Psalm 139:14 says that man is fearfully and wonderfully created which means that there are no two persons that are exactly alike.

It takes much time to be able to learn and accommodate the other spouse’s likes and dislikes, tastes and preferences. It requires the grace of God, knowledge and wisdom to adjust and blend in with the differences for a harmonious coexistence. In marriage, there is always something new to learn and the marriage curriculum can never be exhausted. No one knows it all except God. For the spouses, the more they learn and can apply the better for the marriage.

This post focuses on Christian marriages and is directed at the angry and contentious wife (Proverbs 21:29) who makes unkind and derogatory remarks about her husband in the presence of neighbors, friends and relations. She tramples on her husband’s self-esteem at will and sets in motion an ugly chain of reactions which she may not be able to reverse later and may spell doom for the marriage. No reasonable husband can place any iota of trust in a contentious wife unlike the virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31:10-31.

A man’s self-esteem is his image, his pride and his idea of how the world sees him. It is a man’s sense of worth before others. It is his sense of respect which he enjoys from others. A wife who damages her husband’s self-esteem does incalculable damage which may cause the death of the marriage over time. Many husbands may not bother about what a wife says or does as long as their ego is not hurt. Many husbands (Christians and non-Christians) will not take it kindly with any woman who tramples on their self-esteem.

No man or husband is perfect as all men (including women) have faults and shortcomings. Many husbands have shortcomings in the social, marital, spiritual, intellectual and financial arena. How should a wife react to a husband’s failings in marriage? There are four ways that women adopt when reacting:

1) Some refuse to talk preferring to nurse a grudge against the husband. This can cause great pressure and distress later on. The husband is completely in the dark about the problem
2) Some become rude but without discussing the problem with the husband who does not know. This irritates him and he may draw wrong conclusions which may worsen the matter.
3) Some will deliberately hurt the husband via verbal attacks on his person with the intent to humiliate him before others. This method eventually will destroy the home and the marriage if not checked.
4) The wise wife will talk about the issues while taking care not to trample on her husband’s self-esteem. This is good communication strategy that enhances harmony and promotes peaceful coexistence in the marriage.

The unwise wife, who is the angry and contentious woman, tramples on her husband’s ego in the following ways:
-nagging and embarrassing him before others
-speaking to him roughly in the presence of his relations
-deliberately violating his instructions in order to spite him
-saying the truth but with the wrong approach as follows:
a) Choosing the wrong time to say it (when)
b) Choosing the wrong location to say it (where)
c) Choosing the wrong medium to say it (how)

The above characteristics of the angry and contentious woman/wife are a breach of biblical guidelines and instructions on relationship with others. The Bible expressly teaches Christians not to engage in the following sinful practices:
-destroying one another (Galatians 5:15)
-provoking one another (Galatians 5:26)
-slandering one another (James 4:11)
-grumbling against one another (James 5:9)

The above, known as the negative ‘one anothers’ create disunity and is evidence of the sinful nature that we are expected to do away with. The Bible teaches us to forbear with one another in the following ways:
-to honor one another (Romans 12:10)
-to love one another (Romans 13:8)
-to accept one another (Romans 15:7)
-to care for one another (1 Corinthians 12:25)
-to carry one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2)
-to bear with one another (Ephesians 4:2)
-to encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18)
-to pray for one another (James 5:16)
-to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21)
The above are the positive ‘one anothers’ which is evidence of the fruits of the Spirit expected of every Heaven bound Christian. Therefore, the wife is advised to take the following steps to address her husband’s shortcomings:

Communication
Never disobey a husband’s instructions because to do so is to hurt him. He will see it as a challenge and will want to assert his authority
Discuss issues with him with an attitude of politeness and humility. Discuss with him in the right mood i.e. when he is happy and in a private place.
Present your worries and opinions lovingly and carefully, using the right choice of words and taking care not to force your opinions on him.

Submission
If he refuses to see your point, submit to his view. If he finds out later that he is in the wrong and you are in the right, he will respect your opinion and begin to abide by it.
But if he refuses to see your point and you also refuse to submit, he will likely see it as an affront on his authority. Even when he knows that you are right, he may not consider your opinions because you were insubordinate.

Helpmeet
A wife is a helpmeet. It may not be possible to change a man when he has become a husband. The wife as a helpmeet is expected to complement her husband and protect his interests. Cover up his deficiencies, not exposing him to public ridicule. A true helpmeet will not be scouting for faults when she also has hers which Christ overlooked.

Love
Where there is no love or where love is thin, faults are thick. Before the marriage, love has eyes and can see but after the wedding, love becomes blind and cannot see faults. Marriage is adjustment and acceptance. Overlook his faults and focus more on his strengths and potentials. Love is a decision.You can love the unlovable even when it is not convenient.

Encourage him, respect him, stand by him, pray for him and counsel him. Be a dependable woman to him, not a ‘broadcaster’ of his weaknesses. Pray for the grace to be the woman behind his success. Pray to be a pillar behind him and not a caterpillar that destroys.

Ayodele Adegbulugbe
2348035978352

Bad Men You Should Avoid When Dating

Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame. In some cases they really weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew well in advance they just hoped he would stop.

Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make. For some, they truly had no idea their boyfriend meant bad news for them. The ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?” continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you ask. Some women may have found out about their problem boyfriend and stayed because of love, status, money and/or power. Others may have stayed because they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s father over issues they feel could be resolved. Still many women feel they can change him. As long as women continue to believe that the power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject themselves to mental and physical abuse. These strategies simply will never work for some men. There comes a time when women will have to get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to change. She will have to stand up carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the relationship now.”

The following advice is written for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.” She may be struggling with whether she is ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a friend. Although the best advice is not to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be those women who will still stay. If those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically and they most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and their children.

The Liar – In the beginning of the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies. He had what seemed like convincing excuses; therefore you let him get away with them. Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not at all. Actions you may want to consider are the following: Approach him not only with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof. Stop taking his lying lightly. Let him know that this behavior you will not accept any longer. If he chooses to continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good. Once you have made a decision that you are leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts, thoughts and feelings. You must not leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over time.

The Player also known as The Pimp – This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite sex. He will use cell phone, email, your house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets. He will leave a trail of evidence whether it is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts, read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete. He begins to create a pattern in his actions when you have become old and someone else becomes new. Look out for this repetitious pattern. He may develop his pattern after work on a daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not at all. Another pattern he may create may be choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and attending this faithfully, what you can do to find out if he is sincere is offer to pick him up from the pottery class on some nights. Watch his reaction. There may also be the weekend pattern of always “needing to get away, have some time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.” All the while making little or no time for the two of you to go out and be seen together. When you suggest new places to visit, he finds an excuse to take you to the same area you both are familiar to keep from running into the other woman or women. He finds a way, anyway, to travel to places without you regularly using an excuse such as “I’m going to my mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of Frank.” Be careful family and friends will cover for him. He will call you, at times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women. He is protective of his cell phone and his computer; if you tried to check either it maybe password protected. You may want to consider whether having to worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation. In time, you will become insecure, angry for no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you meet. This is baggage you don’t need.

The Thief – He has been around when things go missing. At first you didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed someone else for taking them. Yet, you have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash sitting around, and other important items. It is time to come up with a plan, set him up. The kind of plan you come up with can’t be easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is trustworthy. Time is money and the longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.

The Hustler – He is always thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally. From identity theft to standing on the street corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living lavishly. Now you may think that what he has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about. This man is dangerous. He has enemies and one day some one will catch up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight won’t be pretty. You must ask yourself this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around you in danger?

The Abuser/Controller – You can never do anything right. He is often critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he wants you to stop living your world to be with him. In the beginning of the relationship, you justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse. Whether he is physically ill, illiterate, disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain how you feel about him to him. You may have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or physically. You may have told yourself that things will get better and he is making an effort to change. Well that is good if he is sincere about becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking, punching, and grabbing. There are no rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men. There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible and you are not He. (Read more about the abuser in an article I wrote entitled, “How To Know Your Boyfriend Is Abusive” at this site.)

The Mooch – You have invited him once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet. During inopportune times, he says he needs to stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you are located. When he offers to take you out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time lobster!) He drives your car and doesn’t fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a measly $5 or $10. Holidays come and go with very little if any acknowledgement from him. Yet, you bought him (and possibly his relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not. He displays affection, says all the right things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from you. If you choose to continue a relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows. You could stop being so generous and treat him how he treats you. For example, when you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you. Put a limit on how often he drives your car. Avoid helping him when he is in a bind since you know he won’t help you. Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother, sister or brother.) If he begins to see you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away from you without you having to break up with him.

The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs? Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed afterward? Are most of the relationship problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior? If so, then you will have to consider whether or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all been affected by his negative ways. If he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him alone.



About The Author

Nicholl McGuire is a Published Poet, Freelance Writer and Author. Her book Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate speaks to women who haven't reached a decision to leave an abusive situation, visit http://stores.lulu.com/nichollmcguire for more info.